Self-Leadership as Self-Care

A big part of the work I do is helping clients recognize and get to know their internal protectors (i.e. defenses).

These parts of us formed to protect us from the pain of wounds inflicted upon us as children when we were, in fact, physically and psychologically defenseless and dependent. So we compensated with psychic protection.

These wounds certainly result from big “T” traumatic moments including violence, abuse, and catastrophe. Yet most often, and universally, these wounds occur from degrees of emotional neglect. Even loving parents condescend, cut-off, shame, and judge their kids in ways that wound. When this happens, protective beliefs and behaviors show up.

Often these protectors bare the same shaming and narcissistic qualities as our parents. As we grow up, these protective strategies come to define our personalities.

I often point out to clients that our personalities are built upon our defenses. In other words, we have become the ways we’ve learned to survive.

Tracking the Beam of Contempt

One of the tell-tail signs that you are blended with a protective part is to track your beam of contempt. Is it pointing down at those around you? Are you thumbing your nose at others. Do you think you’re right, and everyone else is wrong, stupid, lacking? Wave ‘hi’ to your grandiosity protector. Ask him/her, what they’re afraid would happen if they didn’t show up like this? Listen for the answer. Listen with compassion for yourself—because the answer is coming from an important part of you.

Do you feel small and unworthy, like you’re looking up into a beam of contempt aimed down at you? Wave ‘hi’ to your self-shaming protector. Ask him/her what they’re afraid would happen if they didn’t show up like this. When they tell you, let them know you understand. Chances are you’ll be feeling compassion—send it to that part of yourself.

Identifying your protectors and inviting them into compassionate inquiry puts you back into the center of your being where you belong. From your center, you can lead your psychological system with the attunement, warmth, and curiosity that you were deprived of as a child.

This is self-leadership as self-care.